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Archive for December, 2010

Christmas Survival Guide Part Three: Bah-Freaking-Humbug

I have never been a fan of Christmas, I’m not going to give you all the usual bullshit reasons why I don’t like this holiday. It’s not because it’s too commercial, if anything it’s not commercial enough! Give me more commercialism, at least that’s entertaining. No I hate it for so many, many reasons. For your consideration I’ve compiled a little list of the five things that annoy me most during the holiday season, enjoy!

Forced Merriment

I’m not opposed to merriment per say; I’ve been merry in the past. I’ve been both jolly and holly if you can imagine it (and if you can imagine what that is supposed to mean). I’m only opposed to merriment when it is forced upon you by the general population. There is nothing less joy inducing than some chubby bitch from your office trying to insist on over decorating and handing out santa hats. Santa hats are a particular pet peeve of mine, I worked in retail for many years and was forced yearly to wear christmas themed garbage such as santa hats and elf ears while I served customers; you have to love grumpy retail assistants working for minimum wage trussed up like christmas whores. I eventually put a stop to this by pretending to be jewish year after year.

People Singing Awkwardly Together In Public

Most people can’t sing, and most people are aware of this and are fairly uncomfortable bursting into song in public. This time of year however puts pressure on these very same people to stand together and sing antiquated and lame Christmas songs in public. The awkwardness in the air is always electric and rubs off onto the people watching the other people sing and this leads to widespread awkwardness. Even worse than the awkward forced singers are the over enthusiastic in love with themselves attention seekers. These people will pull out any excuse to sing in public and at christmas they are given ample opportunities to exploit. They’ll be on that karaoke stage singing the dickhead christmas anthem (Mariah Carey “All I Want For Christmas Is You”) and you might not have though it was possible, but they’ll manage to over-sing it worse than the diva herself. Beware this holiday season, and stay away from all jukebox’s to ensure your christmas stays Mariah free.

Gift Wrapping

I’m going to try to avoid doing a ten page rant here, but gift wrapping is the worst fucking thing in the world.  As a woman there are certain things that I am expected to be able to do. I’m expected to be able to cook (meh almost), clean (not at all) and for some reason I’m expected to be able to produce beautifully wrapped and individually styled presents in the style of Martha Stewart every Christmas. Every year I am proved to be a failure as a women when I produce a gift that is wrapped too tightly in some areas, not enough in others and is covered in weird bits of tape. I really try, and I really, really fail. I don’t really see the point in getting stressed out over how some expensive paper is placed over a gift. Humans are odd creatures with these strange rituals, you would never see a squirrel attempting to wrap decorative leaves in a decorative manner around an acorn. I quit! No more gift wrapping for Nina.

Fruit Cake

This one seems kind of obvious. Nobody likes fruit cake, fruit cake is only ever bought this time of year. It is given as gifts or put out on tables for Christmas day, but you’ll never actually see anyone eating it. Fruit cake will sit in your cupboard until around October when it is finally thrown out before being replaced with yet another fruit cake come December. Fruit Cake is yet another pointless ritual that we keep up  despite it making no sense.

Greed and Gluttony Just For The Hell Of It

I am fortunate enough to live in a country where food is abundant and life is comfortable. Never is this more apparent than around Christmas when families all across the country begin stock piling enough food to feed a small army for their family Christmas lunch. You go to lunch, you eat until you’re full and then for some reason, you eat more. I don’t want to get too preachy here as my name is not Nina Bono Theresa, but you only need to look at this logically to see that it’s pretty gross.

We pile our plates high with food we don’t need or want and throw the leftovers in the bin while other people starve. Humans, we’re a nice bunch aren’t we? Check out this link that shows how much families around the world spend on food in a week, interesting stuff.

That’s it my little Christmas angels! Go out and spread good cheer, don’t stress too much, it’ll all be over soon. 

All I want for Christmas… Is you.