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Are You A Rageaholic?







I think that as technology advances, and things become more and more convenient for us, our patience has become shorter. As patience decreases, frustration increases, and this can lead to anger.

Just what is an acceptable level of anger? What is it ok to get a bit angry about? Here is a list of things that have made me angry today:

1. I missed the train in the morning by like 30 seconds because the traffic lights across the road from the station take forever to change.

2. Whilst on the extremely overcrowded train, a man pushed by me unexpectedly, forcing me to step backwards. I heard a “yelping” sound behind me and realized I had stepped on a woman’s foot. I removed to my head phones and said “Oh, I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to do that, I guess the train is just a bit crowded”  The woman glared at me and made a “Humph!” sort of noise. I hated her immediately, and I wished she would develop a gangrenous foot. How dare she not accept my heart-felt apology for something I had done accidentally!

3. A woman made a big show of fake coughing and waving as I lit up a cigarette, even though I was smoking outdoors, in fucking public space.

Keep in mind that it is only nine in the morning now, that’s a lot of anger for one morning.

Was I justified in my anger? If you look at the flip side, that woman on the train was pissed off because some bitch stepped on her foot, and another lady had smoke blown in her face. Were they justified in their anger?

If you google rageaholics you will quickly come across the Rageaholics Anonymous website, on this website there is an “Anger Self Assessment Test.”

I took the test (you should try it) and according to the test, I’m a rageaholic, as Homer Simpson once said “I am addicted to rageahol.”

Now I was a little taken aback to discover my new-found rageaholic status, but before I ran off to find my nearest Rageaholics Anonymous meeting and share my thoughts and bile, I had a close look at the questions in the test.

Who the hell could pass this test? I believe if the Dalai Lama took this test he’d have a hard time passing it. Questions like:

“I hate lines, and I especially hate waiting in line.”

Who the hell likes waiting in line? Who is going to say “I love lines, I sometimes line up in them just for the experience rather than to get to the front.”

What about this gem: “When someone says or does something that upsets me, I don’t usually say anything at the time, but later I spend a lot of time thinking of cutting replies I could and should have made.”

Come on! Everybody does that, and if they say they don’t, they’re lying. Constructing the perfect imaginary quip is a healthy thing to do, it helps you to vent some of that frustration you had at being to cowardly to say anything to the person in the first place.

My question is this? If this test had been taken twenty or thirty years ago, would I have been classified a “Rageaholic,” have the conveniences of modern life really made us lose all of our patience? What if I lived in the country instead of the city? Would I still need that sweet sweet rageahol to survive?

Or is it that we are all angry, anger and rage of course are part of the human condition. Anger is an involuntary feeling, that happens to us when we feel trespassed against in some way, and unless you live on a desert island, you will come across it fairly regularly. the trick to anger is how you respond to it, it’s certainly not healthy if you respond to a rude comment by a stranger by glassing them in the face with a bottle, but I think a sarcastic snort would be appropriate.

Rageaholics of the world unite, I will continue to think of witty quips that I should have said after the fact. I will continue to hate waiting in line and secretly wish that the people ahead of me would collapse so I wouldn’t have to wait so long. I will continue to snarl and snark and patronize and be sarcastic and cause others to fall into awkward silences at dinner parties. For if rageahol truly does make me who I am, then I will wear my rageaholic badge with pride, long live anger and its destructive benefits to us all!



Child Beauty Pageants, Harmless Fun? Or Vomit-Inducing Child Abuse?

Miss Universe has just finished, little girls the world over watch these freakishly tall skinny giraffe women and think to themselves “I want to be like that girl!”

For a lot of little girls and more importantly, parents of little girls around the world, the road to miss universe starts with a child beauty pageant, and now us Australians can join in. Melbourne hosted our first American style child beauty pageant where little girls and boys between 0 and13 can compete to be crowned little Miss/Mister Bayside, that’s right, there are tiaras involved.

The pageant, which costs $100 to enter, will judge the girls and boys on modelling, talent, how they photograph and answers to a series of questions. Organisers of the Pageant insist it will not be “over the top” like US versions where pre-schoolers are plastered with fake tan, make-up and big hair, but a quick google search of “Little Miss Bayside” brings you to the kidspot website which has the details of the pageant anda photo showing two very young girls in swimming costumes plastered with make up and smiling like there lives depended on it. The pageant organisers may claim that the competition is merely for fun, but things quickly get out of hand.

When children are that young, their personalities are still forming, their sense of identity and self-esteem are still being built. Family psychologist Andrew Fuller said pageants could lead to competition, anxiety and embarrassment.

“This is a good recipe for how to predispose your daughter into having an eating disorder,” he said.

“The risk is that they suddenly fear that their body shape is more important than their intellect.”

Five year old girls should not have to worry about whether they are “too fat” or how they compare to the beauty of other girls.  There is enough undue, exaggerated focus on superficial beauty in this culture without children being pitted against each other in a contest of looks.

There are so many things about these pageants that just don’t sit right with me, children and toddlers with make up plastered over there faces, hair sprayed to the point it wouldn’t move in a hurricane  it’s all just a bit… bizarre and disturbing. 

These freakshows are not cheap either, according to the Pageant News Bureau the pursuit of a title and a tiara has grown into a $5 billion-a-year industry in America. An estimated 3,000 pageants draw 250,000 entrants a year, and parents spend thousands of dollars on pageants. Some want their children to gain extra poise; others hope that their children will become the next supermodel or a movie star. You can even hire yourself a pageant coach, that little “neccesity” could cost you up to $1000 a day.  Not to mention wardrobe consultants, physical fitness trainers, speech coaches, voice coaches, etiquette lessons, salon services, talent coaches, resume writing, tanning, evening gown, rehearsal attire, bathing suits, opening-number outfit, interview suit, talent costume, accessories, and many, many more things. It is entirely possible to spend upwards of $100,000 dollars to get a little girl ready for one national contest.

Of course, anybody associated with these pageants is quick to jump to their defense, apparently these competitions teach children “poise” and “confidence.”  That’s right, because nothing brings a little girl confidence like being compared unfavorably to other little girls. Lets cut the bullshit here, becuase for all their cries of “poise and confidence” these competition are called “Beauty pageants” not “Poise and confidence pageants.”

Don’t do it Australia, lets nip this thing in the bud and say no more pageants, don’t exploit your children to live out your own failed dreams. Let children be children, let them enjoy their lives without pressure and dissapointment.

Having said that, it does make for awesome reality televion.

Weird Things You Can Bet On. Let The Gambling Begin.

I’m not a gambler by nature, but after winning $60 in the work pool for the world cup, I’m now a convert. I must gamble more! I’ve caught the gambling bug and I need another taste of that sweet victory nectar!

The only problem is… I don’t care for sports, I really couldn’t care less which big hairy men kick the ball more than the other hairy men. I say give them both a ball so they stop wasting their time fighting over it and they can get a real job.

So what then, can I gamble on? Let’s have a look what the internet has to offer a discerning gambler like myself:

First up is Stiffs.com. As the incredibly tasteful name implies, this is a website for gambling on deaths, Not just any deaths however, Celebrity deaths. Everyone loves celebrities, we like hearing about their babies, we enjoy being shocked by their outrageous scandals, so it stands to reason we will enjoy betting on when they are going to die. Now the rules are simple,  select ten celebrities and rank them by how certain you are that they are going to die. They have to be a celebrity, if the Stiffs.com Fame Committee rule them “not famous enough” tough luck to you. This is a 12 month game, so generally, people are picking older and sicker celebrities (bless them.) The most important rule is, you can’t kill anyone to win, or make them sick, or scare them. Fair rule. So if you get lucky enough to guess correctly you win $3000! Sweet!  I don’t know if this is the game for me though, I’m easily driven to evil plots and I can just see myself sending Myley Cyrus poisonous snakes hidden in bunches of flowers to win the money, hell I’m already half way considering doing that and there’s no money at all involved. So what else do we have?

If you’re like me and you’re a fan of reality television (don’t judge me, we’ve all got our secret shames) you can head on over to gamblerspalace.com and bet on such prestigious events as: “Who Will Win The Bachelorette?”  “Who Will Win Dance Your Ass Off?” and of course “Who Will Win Top Chef DC?” Important questions to be answered. Put your money where your mouth is, you think Latoya is going to dance the most off her ass? Prove it, don’t just talk the talk bitch. This is my kind of gambling, but lets not get to settled on anything yet. The internet is a weird and twisted place, I must further explore my options.

If You’re more of a film buff than a reality tv show fan you can now make bets on the box office odds of movies opening the following weekend, check it out on bettersworld.com. I think this may not be ideal for me, as I get confused and over excited at the prospect of winning money on movies, if I’d known about this a few weeks ago I would probably have, over-thought it, giggled hysterically and bet $2000 on Marmaduke. It wouldn’t have been a wise bet.

Are you more of an intellectual? Oh, I’m terribly sorry. Have I offended you with my low brow gambling antics? How about, just for you we take a gamble on a gentlemen’s game, Chess. Ah yes, something I could bring up at dinner parties to make myself seem more intelligent and credible, all available at Chessgames.com.

So what will it be? What will I invest my precious money in? How about a mix of all of them? I bet that Myley Cyrus dies, while dancing her ass off, after winning a chess game against Viswanathan Anand and then the story is subsequently made into a high grossing film. Bam! That’s money in the bank baby!

Wish me luck. Myley is going down.

10 Strange Google Trends. What the Hell Is Wrong With Humanity?

For those of you that are unaware, Google Trends is a feature on the Google website that shows how often a particular search-term is entered relative to the total search-volume across various regions of the world. I guess that this information can be useful for people who are wanting to launch a new product as it shows you which regions have googled each topic the most. Whatever the intended use of Google Trends, most people just use it to laugh at the wierd things people search for. I am no different. so, if you’re still confused by how the whole thing works. Let’s start with an easy one:

Cute Babies VS  Cute Kittens

As you can see, cute babies and Kittens have been neck and neck for years, with neither gaining any ground on the other, and then, all of a sudden… Bam! 2007, Those babies were like “Suck it cute kittens!”

Let’s begin.

Number one:

Global Warming VS  American Idol

Begin Your Patronising slow clapping. Well done humanity, talk about Nero fiddling while Rome burns, we’ll be singing along to Kelly Clarkson while the world overheats and explodes.

Number Two:

Chuck Norris VS  Boobs

Of course, since Chuck Norris controls everything he most likely made this happen with his mind.

Number Three:

Ugly Children VS Ugly Babies

No judgement here, see that peak in 2005? I was one of those people. I was bored, and man, there were some ugly kids out there.

Number Four:

Obama Antichrist VS Mccain Antichrist

Wow, if this doesn’t put you off christianity, nothing will.

Number Five:

Granny Sex VS Sexy Women

No comment. None whatsoever. I’m too stunned to give an opinion on this one.

Number Six:

Psychic Octopus

It makes me really happy that we live in a world where Octopuses are relied upon to predict the outcome of football games.

There is something strangely comforting in that.

Number Seven:

Revenge VS Forgive

I’m with you blue, forgiveness is for wimps.

Number Eight:

What is a justin beiber?

Hahahaha, Give that boy 3 more years and that’s all that will be left of him. A strange trend asking what he was.

Number Nine:

The end of the world

Nope, it wasn’t in 2008 or 2009, I suspect we’ll just keep plodding along until our American Idol obsession kills us all.

Number Ten:

Am I stupid? VS Can I get pregnant from a dog?

Yes you are, and no you can’t. God knows what kind of cross-eyed, mouth-breathing mongrel breed that would produce.