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How To Schmooze Pretentious Intellectuals Like A Pro.


schmooze or schmoose also shmooze (shmz) Slang
v. schmoozed or schmoosed also shmoozed, schmooz·ing or schmoos·ing also shmooz·ing, schmooz·es or schmoos·es also shmooz·es
v.intr.
To converse casually, especially in order to gain an advantage or make a social connection.

There are some situations in life where you might find yourself stuck with an intellectual, I’m sorry. I’m going to help you get through this. The following is a guide to schmoozing three different types of intellectuals so that they can later be used  for your own benefit (possibly in some sort of evil scheme)

Please note that I use the word “intellectual” loosely in this context, and that most of the following sub groups consider themselves intellectual rather than others thinking of them that way. Let’s begin:

Elitist Hipster Douchebags

 

The Elitist Hipster Douchebag is unfortunately not a rare animal, it is likely that you will come across one from time to time, they are recognizable from their “ironic” fashion statements, their carefully styled hair and their “I don’t give a fuck attitude.”

Do’s:

– Be apathetic. Enthusiasm is not your friend when dealing with a hipster, any point made with enthusiasm and passion is likely to be ignored or subtly mocked.

– Make up things. The hipsters will likely try to throw you off with their elitism, they get a sexual thrill from being into things that are not mainstream. If they mention a band and you haven’t heard of them, that validates them as “different and cool.” What you’ll need to do to gain the respect of these idiots, is to make up a band, just take any two random words and throw them together (the more random the better) for example: “I’m really into the Bike Feather’s at the moment.” The Hipster will not wish to appear out of the loop and will likely just nod and say something like “I think I’ve heard of them.” Make sure you mention that the band is very underground, and that they nobody has heard of them. As soon as the Hipster has a chance he/she will google your made up band, when he/she is unable to find anything on the band, you will earn their grudging respect. 

– Remember everything you do wrong can be passed off as “ironic.” If you sense that you have made a faux pas, simply laugh and claim that what you were doing was merely a joke, act as if any one who doesn’t find this amusing is an idiot. Think of the old “Emperor has no clothes” fable and you’ll see what I’m getting at.

Don’ts:

– Don’t be too specific. Hipster’s may like to pretend they are heavily involved with things like politics, but when it comes down to it they are lacking in much specific knowledge in the area. Bringing up specific political issues may make them look foolish and put them into an attack stance.

– Don’t introduce any new restaurants, films, countries, cities etc that have not already been mentioned by the hipster. Mentioning things that have not already been touched upon by your hipster pal puts you at risk of mocking. Hipster’s like nothing more than classifying things as “So over, very last year.” It’s safe to mention any of the items above that have already been brought up by others. As these have been accepted as cool.

– Get involved in a conversation about diet habits. You’ll soon be buried underneath so much, gluten-free, lactose intolerant bullshit that you’ll have no choice but to mock them, losing any footing you may have gained.

 Straight Up Geeks

These creatures may seem simple and non threatening, but if you want to infiltrate the system and schmooze like a pro, you may find them to be more complicated than first imagined.

Do:

-Work on your geek humour, a suitable joke to break the ice may be something like “A neutrino walks into a bar.  The neutrino asks ‘how much is a beer?’ The bartender says ‘for you, no charge!'”

– Insinuate that you think that an interest in computers and star trek is very sexy as you prefer brains over brawn.

– Take an interest in their geek hobbies. One question should be enough o get the ball rolling, soon you’ll be bored out of your mind and nodding and smiling along to a conversation about the Stargate series.

Don’t:

-Make fun of them. Even though you may just be joking and not intending to hurt anyone’s feelings, many geeks are super sensitive due to repeated bullying throughout their teenage years.

– Mix up which star show is which, mixing up Star Trek, Star Wars or Stargate may seem like nothing to you, but you’ll be lost forever in the eyes of the geek, do your research.

– Ask the when they’re moving out of their mother house. They’ll leave when they’re ready. Like when they turn 50.

Old School Academic Windbags

The Old School Academic Windbags can be one of the more tedious types of intellectual, well versed in dull topics and well prepared to share their thoughts on them in a long-winded manner. They aren’t necessarily old, they may just act that way. Private schools have been churning out these gems of human beings for decades. 

Do’s:

– Keep it simple, if you don’t know the exact meaning of a word, don’t use it. Nothing will give you away faster than using a word incorrectly or saying something that makes no sense in the context of a conversation. Attempting to give a compliment to someone by saying “My, what a redundant point you make” will not win you ny friends.

– Nod and parrot, Nodding and giving other non verbal cues whilst others are speaking will help the other person to feel engaged in the conversation. There is nothing worse than trying to talk to someone who is staring blankly at you, or worse distracted and glancing around the room or fidgeting. Parroting is a good way to contribute something to the conversation without having to know what you’re talking about for example “Wow, quantum state and quantum observable really are radically different from those used in previous models of physical reality. Do go on”  This should be all the encouragement the intellectual windbag needs to bend your ear on a topic that is neither interesting, nor comprehensible.

– Flatter the ego, chances are Professor Self Involved’s favourite topic is himself. If you feed the massive ego of these old school intellectuals you’ll find they may well grow to enjoy your company, and of course if they respect your opinion of them, how could they choose not to respect your opinion on other things?

Don’ts:

– Never give a direct answer on a topic you know nothing about. If you find yourself out of your intellectual depth in a conversation, start throwing up smoke screens, give non-committal answers and attempt to direct the conversation to a safer area.

– Question the other person’s knowledge on a topic, even if you are pretty sure they are wrong. The other person will shift into defensive mode and protect themselves with all the ammo they’ve got.  “All too often, academic departments defend their territory with the passion of cornered animals, though with far less justification. ” (Bruce Jackson)

So that’s it, good luck out there folks.