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Posts tagged ‘What not to do’

The Christmas Survival Guide Part Two: Solving The Kris Kringle Conundrum

Kris Kringle, Secret Santa, call it what you like, I call it a pain in the arse. For those few of you lucky enough to have somehow missed out on this traditional holiday torture, allow me to explain how it works. Secret Santa is usually run for large groups of people such as in the workplace or for extended family. The basic concept of the Secret Santa game is simple. All of the participants’ names are placed into a hat, box, etc. and mixed up. Each person then chooses one name from the box, but doesn’t tell anyone which name was picked. He/she is now responsible for buying a gift for the person selected, there is usually a limit to how much you can spend, usually $10 or $20 and that’s about it. Sounds fun right? Sounds simple?

Wrong! Oh how wrong you are.

This seemingly fun activity is actually a very dangerous social minefield, beware, watch your step.
Use this guide to get through unscathed. Let’s begin:

The Beginning: Picking that random person from the hat

Picking the name from the hat is really the most important step because who you pick here is going to determine just how difficult this process really has to be. My advice here is, try to cheat. If there is any possible way you can turn the odds in your favour, do it. If at all possible try to sneak a peek at the name before you pick it. Call me a Scrooge for taking the “fun” out of things, but trust me when you pull out the name of a coworker you’ve only spoken to once in your life and who seems difficult to read, you’re going to wish you had cheated.

When you pick, make sure you smile and nod and say appropriately nice things about how happy you are to have picked this person. If you pull out a name look at it and say “Oh jesus not this wanker!”  then I guarantee that person is going to hear about your reaction eventually. Smile, nod and swear privately to yourself later.

The Process: How To Know What To Buy: Bath Soaps and Candles

Knowing what to buy for your Secret Santa recipient is probably the hardest and most frustrating part of the process.  If you’ve picked someone you know pretty well then you probably have a good idea of what to buy, if you didn’t,  well…  it sucks to be you. Firstly, let’s look at what your price restrictions are, what are you allowed to spend? $5? $10? $15? It all makes a big difference, here’s a hint though, spent $5 to $10 more than the limit, it’ll stop you looking cheap, and everyone else will probably be doing the same thing.

If you have to buy something for someone you know nothing about, don’t immediately go for the thoughtless candle/soap/chocolate/wine option, it’s lazy and it’s been done to death darling. Use your serial killer style stalking skills to find out more about them.

(note: I do not mean that you should break into their home and molest their cat)

Walk by their desk, take notice of what might be on it, is that a Justin Bieber CD? My they have horrible taste, but perhaps they would like a nice poster to go with that CD. Is that a copy of the alcoholic’s anonymous book? Aren’t you glad you didn’t buy them that wine?  Likewise, notice what they wear, what tv shows and movies they talk about, what video games they might mention any of these clues may guide you towards a semi-thoughtful gift idea, just don’t be to creepy in your lurking or you may end up with a restraining order.

Don’t give an inappropriate gift, save the penis straws for your real friends, the rule of thumb here should be if you don’t know this person well enough to sit down and have coffee together outside of work, then you don’t know them well enough to give them a box of chocolates shaped like breasts.

If you really want to be a lazy little bunny, go with the voucher option, let them pick their own gift, but definitely no candles or soap. Not ever. Giving someone soap just makes them think that you are questioning their personal hygiene.

The most important hing is to remember to buy something. The worst possible thing you can do in Kris Kringle is forget to buy a gift, and if for some stupid reason you do forget, just hand over some cash, do not, under any circumstances attempt to pull something out of the glove box of your car and try to pass it off as a gift. No one will buy it.

The End: Looking Gracious And Practising Your Fake Smile

So you’ve made it, you’ve bought your gift and put it in the communal pile and now this nightmarish tradition is over right? Not so fast my friend, you forgot the other half of this evil game, you forgot that some other poor schmuck pulled your name from that hat. Some other person has been stressing and figuring out what to buy for you. Traditionally secret santa gifts are opened in a communal setting, everyone sitting together and watching each other open their gifts. So watch out because when you open that gift, you had better smile, and you had better make it convincing, and believe me that may be difficult. Here’s a few scenarios you may have to face “Oh my! A christian wall hanging! Why… I’ve always wanted a reminder that jesus died for my sins, how swell!”

Or how about “Gee! A weight watchers book, how thoughtful of you to remind me that I need to lose a few kilos, how charming!”  You need to be prepared for the worst here people, and you need to be prepared to act your arse off. If you open your gift and the disgust registers on your face, you’re going to hurt some poor morons feelings, you wouldn’t be happy if they opened your gift and said “Oh great! I’m allergic to dairy so this milkshake maker is the perfect gift jackass!” Just keep smiling, keep pretending and this whole horrible charade will be over for another year.

I know it’s been said, many times, in many ways, but my god Christmas blows.

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What Does Your Facebook Profile Picture Say About You?

Facebook is a great way to express yourself. It’s a great way to make new friends and connect with old friends (and rub your awesome life in their faces) Facebook is a useful tool indeed, but have you ever stopped to think about how you may be coming across? What first impressions you may be making? Something as simple as your profile picture can speak volumes about you. Lets have a look at some different types of Facebook profile photos and see how they come across to other people.

 

The Duck-face

The duck face is a well documented phenomenon, seemingly sane and normal human beings will be smiling away with their natural beautiful smiles until… The camera comes out. The minute the humans with their fragile egos and false bravado see that camera they all suddenly begin to make and identical face. They purse their lips together and stick them out, they also widen their eyes to an unnatural level, they may also slightly tilt their heads. The result is a ridiculous caricature of a human face. So why do we do it? Because it looks sexy, duh!

The duck-face is an extremely common Facebook profile picture, but what is it saying about you?

Whenever I see this face, my first instinct is to think, get some confidence! Be proud of your face, work with what you got baby! Always present your best face to the world, and your duckface isn’t it. For more information on the duck-face epidemic visit Antiduckface.com.

The Myspace 

The MySpace shot is a self-portrait. This photo is taken by holding a camera at arms length above your head and looking up at the camera. This type of photo was made popular during the rise of MySpace and continues to be a Facebook standard, especially among teenage girls. This type of photo is used mainly by women because it is a good way to showcase your best features (eg. your eyes and hair) and it allows you to hide the parts of yourself you may be less willing to show off (eg your body.) This shot says to me “I’m 17 and this is the sexiest picture my parents will let me put online” There is no excuse to have this photo as an adult.

 The Arty shot

The arty shot is a good way to showcase your personality as well as your physical appearance, it’s a way to say “I am above the superficial need to look pretty, I am an intellectual.”  Popular amongst hip young urbanites in their twenties, the arty shot is a regular in Facebook profile shots. This type of profile picture comes in handy for one thing, keeping people like me away from you. The minute I see someone using a shot like this for their profile the pretentious warning bells start going off in my head. I can quickly see that this is the type of person that only drinks coffee that has “passed through” various rare animals and listens to avant-garde music. If you come across this type of person,  in the immortal words of Iron Maiden “Run for your life!”

The Inanimate Object

The inanimate object shot is a picture of anything, could be a car, could be a tree, but it ain’t you. These photos are popular because you can use them to show people things that you like, things that you might believe represent a part of your personality, or it might just be that you seriously don’t have any photos of yourself to upload (highly unlikely.) When I see these types of profile pictures, I generally think “come now sweetheart, show the world your pretty face” (imagine me saying that in a overprotective mother voice.) The inanimate object picture is an easy way to hide a face or a body you may be insecure about, but you shouldn’t be afraid. This is the internet baby! Let your freak flag fly!

The Group Shot

The group shot is a photo of you and your buddies, hanging out, being and looking fabulous. A very popular Facebook profile picture, because, come on! What’s cooler than your entourage? the use of the group shot can vary greatly, are you the party girl sticking her head in on the left there? Or are you the dude behind the umbrella who can’t be seen? People use the group shots for different reasons, either to stand out, or to fade into the background. I see the group shot as a nice way to show the world a bit about your life and your hobbies, however if you are the guy behind the umbrella, use a different picture.

The Joke Shot

The joke shot doesn’t have to be a photo, it could be text (as above.) It’s some hilarious and quick visual joke you can use to show the world what a crack up you are! Picture disabled because he’s too good-looking?! Hahahahaha! That is too much! That is genius comedy, that guy needs his own sitcom! People who use the joke shot are also the same kind of people who wear tee shirts with funny slogans (I lost my number, can I have yours? Hahahahahaha) These people are the worst people in the world. I would literally rather spend time with a conservative christian who doesn’t believe in evolution than hang out with the kind of person who thinks joke tee shirts are funny. Having said that the joke profile shot is a good way of identifying these people so that they can be avoided, so I encourage you to continue.  

The “Me As A Baby” Photo

 Aaaaaaw, how cute! you’ve used a picture of yourself as a baby for your profile picture! It’s even cuter because you’re not a baby! You’re an adult! Aaaaaaaaw.  This is an odd one, but I’ve seen it around more than once, fully grown adults using a picture of themselves as babies or children on their profile picture. Why? I think it’s a combination of things, partially I think it’s an ego thing. you’re so into yourself that you think other people will get enjoy your old photos as much as you do. I also think it may be a way to reclaim the glory days for some people, ah childhood, it was all downhill from there.

 

My Kids! My Husband!

If you’re married and/or have kids, chances are you’ve got a profile picture that reflects your status as a family man/woman.  Maybe you’ve got the photo from your wedding day, maybe it’s junior’s gap toothed smile, either way, you’re showing that you aren’t just an individual anymore, you’re part of a family unit. Photo’s like these may show that you are a loving mother/father/wife/husband, but try mixing it up every now and then. Don’t let your public image become two-dimensional. People will be more interested in a multi-faceted well-rounded human being than they will with “super mummy.”  

My pets!

Ok, the pet shot. This shot is similar to the kids shot, but much, much worse.  A lot of people use pictures of their beloved pets as a way to express their undying affection to the animal. If you’re using a  picture of your cat as your profile picture, it might be time to start thinking about having a baby. Don’t get me started on the people who make separate profiles for their pets, no I will not be friends with your dog!

The Drunk Shot

The drunk shot, one of the most popular choices for profile pictures amongst young people (and sad older people.) This photo is a way to show how much fun you are, and how much fun you’re having! You’re not a stuck up snob, or some nerdy loser. You’re cool, you’re awesome. Shots like these may seem awesome now, but consider how they may affect you later on in life, down the line when you’re applying for that high paying job with the conservative company, you may wish you had appeared less “awesome.”

10 Of The Worst Costume Ideas Ever

Costume parties can be great fun, a creative way to breathe new life into a party with the same old people. However, no matter what theme you pick, there will always be someone who doesn’t quite get it, who ends up with a costume that seems a little… Off.
Browsing around the interweb I compiled this list of the ten worst costumes I could find.
Consider this a “What Not To Do” list.

The Half Assed Costume

If you’re going to wear a costume, go all out or don’t go at all. There is nothing lamer than someone whacking on a bit of their wife’s make-up and calling it a Joker costume. You’ll have more fun if you put in the effort, or if you really are that lazy, just don’t bother wearing a costume, you’ll get more respect in your ordinary clothes than you would in your lame attempt costume.

The Bad Taste Costume

Now, I’m a fan of the bad taste costumes, for the most part they can be a vaguely offensive way to have a few laughs, however, the above costume, is supposed to be a  Virginia Tech shooting victim, it is being worn by a Penn State student, a nearby college,  and I think we can all agree this dude has gone too far. For those of you who don’t remember the Virginia Tech massacre was a school shooting that took place on Monday, April 16, 2007 on the campus of Virginia Tech in Blacksburg, Virginia. This guy and a few of his friends decided it would be funny to dress up like shooting victims, they had thought they were attending a party with a few friends and that the costume wouldn’t be shared with many people, of course, these morons forgot about facebook. Once the photos showed up online they spread like wild-fire, resulting in hate groups being formed on facebook and death threats against the students. Sometimes the mildly funny shock humour gained from a controversial costume is not worth the risk, in these days of social networking, don’t ever forget, nothing stays private for long.

When Pets Get Dragged Into Things

When you dress like an idiot, that’s your choice, when you dress your dog up like an idiot, that’s just cruel. This poor dog has no choice in this situation, did he want to wear a Yoda costume? Maybe,  But there’s no way of telling. Keep your costumes for those who can consent to wearing them. Try to keep this in mind, actually Do or do notthere is no try…

When Babies Get Dragged Into Things

Pretty much the same rules as above, if they can’t consent, don’t shove them in a costume that is going to mortify them for years, having said that, this costume is freaking awesome.

Know Your Own Physical Limitations, Lycra May Not Be Your Friend.

 If you are aware that you’re a fatty, and you just want to wear a costume like this for a laugh, go ahead pal, but be ready for the merciless mocking that comes with it. If you are over 100 kgs, and you think you can pull off a look like this, you are wrong, and anyone who tells you otherwise is not your friend.

 The WTF Costume

 You know what? I have nothing bad to say about this costume. Best costume ever, I advise you to wear it.

The “Clever” Costume

Nothing is more annoying than some smart-ass in a “clever” costume, the above costume is supposed to be static cling by the way. Clever huh? Just makes you want to punch a nerd.

 

The Gross Out Costume

A costume like this is not going to win you any friends, and may come back to haunt you when you’re applying for your dream job in the future, plus, it’s seriously gross. If you come up with a costume idea like this, you may need to consider seeking psychiatric help.

 

The Slutty Costume

Unfortunately, lots of girls use costume parties as a way to dress like a hooker without being judged. Fine, if that’s what you need to do to be happy, do it, however if you and your friends need to take things to this kind of extreme sluttiness, you may have some self-esteem issues to deal with, hooker clothes won’t bring you love sweetheart, and they definitely won’t bring you respect.

 

 

The Sexual Innuendo Costume

 

Nothing screams desperate more than a costume like this. This guy clearly hasn’t been laid in a while, (if ever) and  with a costume like this, let’s face it, he may never get laid again.

 

 

So good luck out there party goers, wear your awesome costume with pride, let your freak flag fly, just try to keep things dignified, if only for your mother’s sake.

Gather Round Children, It’s Time For A Lesson In Facebook Etiquette

In days gone by there were strict rules on how to conduct yourself in day-to-day life. There were rules on telephone etiquette, dinner etiquette, just about anything you could think of had strict social do’s and don’ts. These days we are left to our own devices and the results of this self-governing  are not always good.  Indulge me now, as I have come up with a simple social etiquette guide for Facebook.

Just because you’re in love, doesn’t mean we want to hear about it.

So you’ve met Mr/Miss right? Well congratulations my friend, we are all really happy for you. When you change that relationship status you can expect many well wishers to comment and express how happy they are for you. That’s lovely. If, however, you decide to bombard your friends with syrupy status updates about how much you “wuv” your little “Bubby” you should not be surprised when these well wishers start to disappear along with half of your friends list. Keep your pet names to yourself, and more importantly keep your physical relationship in the bedroom, there is nothing more off-putting than reading about other people’s sex lives on their status updates.

IF U R OVA THA AGE OF 12, DONT TYPE LYKE DIS.

If you choose to write like an illiterate moron you will be treated as such. enough said.

Just because you’re not in love anymore doesn’t mean we want to hear about it.

So Mr/Miss Right turned out wrong, oh well, that sucks. It’s always a little embarrassing changing that relationship status knowing that plastered all over everyone’s news feed is “insert name is now single” well, unfortunately it happens, and the best thing you can do is suck it up, move on and handle the situation gracefully.  The worst thing you can do is trash your Ex in your status updates, no one needs to know that he’s “scum” or that he tried to sleep with your sister. That stuff is private, don’t put it into the public domain. Another common mistake people make is the over changing of the relationship status. If you’re in a relationship and you want to put that as your status, good for you. If you break up and you then want to change that status, ok, do it. What you shouldn’t do is change it hourly while you are in the midst of a fight with your partner, that just makes you look immature and irritates your friends.

Keep your squabbles to yourself.

Your best friend borrowed your favourite shirt and lost it? What a bitch, I’m with you, give that girl a slap. Your bro owes you money and he’s just bought himself a new watch? Show that jerk whose boss! What you shouldn’t do, if you value your dignity is write about it on Facebook. Those horrible status updates where you are writing about someone without mentioning names are the worst. They make you look petty and all they serve to do is get the gossiping girls talking. If you’re pissed off at a friend, call them, talk to them in person and express your annoyance, at the very least, send them an email. Don’t involve everyone else.

Keep it appropriate

If you’ve got your boss on your friends list maybe photos of you chugging beers aren’t the best idea. If your elderly relatives might be offended by some of your antics, either keep them to yourself or make them private from particular people.

Get over high school

There is nothing sadder than someone adding people on Facebook only to start harassing them about high school. Getting bullied in high school sucks, but you know what? That was a long time ago. Move on, chances are everyone else has and you’ll just make yourself look pathetic if you’re still holding on to old grudges.

Keep your clothes on

Does the world really need to see you slutting it up in your underwear? Probably not. Are you actually attractive enough to be exposing yourself in such a way? Honestly? Probably not. Keep your boudoir pics in the boudoir.

Stop poking me.

I’m over the poke people. I never really understood what it’s function was. If you poked me in real life I would find it annoying, if you cyber poke me I respond in the same way.

Be kind when you’re tagging photos

We’ve all done it, tagged people in photos that we would never like ourselves to be tagged in. Horrible drunken half closed eyes photos. Follow the golden rule here and do unto others as you would have them do unto you.  Be kind with your tagging, or others may not be kind to you.

Don’t be a sad sack, it’s dull.

I know your leg hurts, I know you’re not feeling well. I get that you’re sad and life generally sucks. If that’s all you write about however, if you start everyday by writing a complaining status update, you’re in danger of becoming extremely boring. Talk to a friend, talk to a doctor, call your mum, stop whinging on Facebook.

Follow these simple rules and keep your facebooking a fun and entertaining experience. Be good to each other my friends.

The lesson is finished. Please remain seated until the bell rings.